PCP Plot Bunnies
by TalaDentro
Summary: Question: What happens when characters decide to argue with the author? Answer: The author gets distracted and ends up writing a crack fic! Lucius x Harry slash craziness! I don't know what happened, things just took a turn for the much odder than usual.
1. What Kangaroo?

**A/N: I don't know what to tell you, my plot bunnies got a hold of a bad bunch of PCP and this was the result.**

**Beta: My niece (who again provided the spark that became the bonfire) now known as FirstLaugh-LastTears.**

**WARNINGS: Gay, Crack/Parody Fic, OOCness, some not-necessarily-appropriate-for-children shit (like my language), etc. If you don't like any of that stuff then don't read this. If you flame me because you couldn't be bothered to read this part – then you are stupid and not worth my time.**

**Disclaimer: I own a very pretty laptop, but not much else.**

**** - Inside joke that you may or may not understand.**

_Lucius Malfoy, naked, on his bed, covered in melted dark chocolate._

Harry smiled dreamily.

"HEY! I do not do ANYTHING dreamily! Rewrite that line goddamn it!"

Erm… Harry smiled?

"I am not smiling! I am pissed off that's what I am! I hate this stupid story! I'm wandering about the place dreaming about some stupid boy like a friggin girl! And since when am I gay? What the fuck woman?"

….I'm sorry?

"NO! NO! NO! Sorry doesn't cut it! I want you to rewrite this whole fucking story! Start from the beginning and work your way down to the bottom. Erase everything – and I mean EVERYTHING! And write a better story that makes actual fucking sense!"

I can't rewrite the whole story! That's, well, it's a lot of words, and…

"Don't give me excuses – give me results! Wait a minute…you're making me do this aren't you?!?!"

Well…yeah. I'm like, totally God.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I can't live like this! You're up there in your stupid puffy chair, with your double mocha coffee with vanilla creamer, and your stupid writing hat with black lace –HEY STOP MAKING ME LOSE FOCUS ON PURPOSE - directing all my actions – with no thought to how I feel about all of this crap! I mean, seriously, a crush on fucking LUCIUS MALFOY!?!? The man is old enough to be my father! He's a fucking DEATH EATER! Not to mention he's the father of the biggest git this side of the fucking Atlantic!"

Hey it could be worse.

"FUCKING HOW!?!?"

I COULD be pairing you off with said biggest git this side of the fucking Atlantic.

………..

"You make an interesting point."

Hell, I could be pairing you off with fucking Dudley – you'd still have no say in the matter! Don't make me put you with Dudley, Harry! At least I'm giving you a hot blonde with a fucking awesome body! Why the fuck are you complaining gay boy!?! And you're just in denial – you've always been gay.

"Okay you have a point about Dudley and everything but for the last time I am not fucking gay!"

I don't care if you're not gay – I'll MAKE you gay. (A/N: I've always wanted to use that line in a story *happy dance*) POOF!

"Aw fuck! I'm so totally gay now! You're right Malfoy's hot. Where is my dear Lucy-poo?"

That's better. Now run along and hump the pretty blonde. You'll find him in the great hall.

"Okay!"

With that Harry skipped merrily along the corridors. As he skipped, he wandlessly (because I like it that way) changed his robes from black to bright, pretty, neon fucking sparkly blue. **

He arrived at the great hall, with a sparkly flourish. He threw open the doors imperiously (like the QUEEN he is!) and (to everyone's great shock) marched straight over to the Slytherin table (where father and son Malfoy were eating together) and kissed the blonde out of Lucius Malfoy's hair!

Lucius Malfoy (with his new white hair) stared at Harry in shock for a moment before smiling happily and throwing his arms around the gorgeous Gryffindor (because HE is smart enough NOT to complain in GOD's *also known as TALA* presence!!!).

"Shut UP you brazen hussy!"

What was that?

Lucius slowly pulled his arms away from Harry, his smile twisting into a disgusted sneer.

"Wait! Wait! I take it back! I take it back!"

Lucius threw his arms around Harry's neck and hugged the stuffing out of him. "I love you!" Because the author doesn't have enough time to deal with the relationship angst shit.

"I love you too!" Harry screamed delightedly (because I told him I would pair him with movie Nancy Drew if he lacked enthusiasm).

Suddenly Draco (because my niece insists he be in this story) jumped up and screamed, "What the fuck dad? You can't have him he belongs to me! The self-centered, two-dimensional, non-vampire!" **

"We duel for his hand!" Lucius cried, holding Harry even tighter against his chest.

"Lucius-" Harry gasped. "Can't-fucking-breathe!" Sigh…I don't know where this story is going anymore.

"Oh my goodness Harry! I'm so sorry love!" Lucius loosened his hold on Harry – giving Draco the opportunity to punch him (his father, not Harry) dead in the face!

"What the fuck Draco?" Lucius screamed at his son.

"You said we had to duel for Harry. You didn't specify when the duel would start. Or," he smirked maliciously, "what weapons we could use. MUAHAHAHA!"

With that, he threw a love potion at Harry. A very bright pink cloud surrounded Harry, obscuring him from view.

Lucius fanned his hands wildly, trying to get the putrid cloud away from his precious boy-toy. After a few minutes the smoke dissipated, leaving a somewhat confused looking Harry.

"Draco, I know that you think that was a love potion, but I don't feel any different. I still love Luc and hate you. Does it maybe just take longer to take affe- kreee!"

Everyone within hearing distance snapped their heads around to stare at Harry (it sounded a bit like bubble wrap) who was now a cute (possibly the cutest in the whole wide world yes you is!) black kangaroo with the biggest, brightest green eyes. That's right I went with the cliché and turned him into a fucking animal. Bet you weren't expecting a kangaroo though were you? (ha – ha – BLOODY – FUCKING – HA!)

Lucius rounded on Draco, murder in his eyes. "What – did – you - do?" He enunciated each word carefully (because he figured that Draco lacked the intelligence needed to understand a sentence said at regular speed).

"Erm," Draco squeaked very high-pitched. "I-I don't know! It was just supposed to be your run-of-the-mill standard love potion."

Kangaroo Harry hopped over to Lucius and rubbed his head against the man's robes. Then he went over to Draco and kicked him hard in the chest with his big kangaroo feet and powerful leg muscles – sending him flying a good ten feet before he was stopped by Neville (I wasn't going to be specific about which student stopped his flight but SOME people just aren't satisfied by what I give them *cough* Daichitenski *cough*). They biffed it hardcore. As Draco stood up, he glanced at the other boy, staring directly into Neville's shy eyes. He found himself instantly in love. Neville was nervously wondering why Draco's hand was drifting closer and closer to his crotch.

"Don't touch me there Draco, that's my naughty place."

Suddenly Merlin himself appeared (because you can't write a story about wizards without mentioning him at least once) at the staff table. "Don't worry – I can fix it!" He walked over to Kangaroo Harry and pet him gently on the nose. Harry blinked twice and looked down at himself. Human once again – thank Tala! You're welcome. "Thanks so much – Tala only knows how many fucking long chapters it would've taken to get me back to normal if you hadn't appeared!"

"You're very welcome young man. Let me give you some very good life advice: as nice as it is to put change into someone's expired parking meter – it is still a crime and they can arrest you for it. And before I go I just want to say what a marvelous job you're doing here Tala – truly wonderful." With that, and a small bow (because he's old-school polite) Merlin vanished. Don't you just love him? I almost want to bring him back.

Lucius swept Harry up into his arms and was about to carry him away to have his wicked way with him when Hermione and Ron blocked their path.

"Goddamn it woman! Stay out of this and let my boyfriend fuck me!"

NO! *Sticks tongue out at Harry.* You've done nothing but argue with me since I started this story! So I'm giving you a case of blue balls per vendetta!

"Harry what the fuck is going on? Why are you with this Slytherin asshole?" Ron shouted angrily.

"We know he shouted – we are not deaf! Stop stating the obvious! Anyway, well Ron, the answer is really very simple," Harry paused here to stroke Lucius' soft hair, "he's pretty."

Hermione glanced from Ron to Harry nervously. "Harry as much as I would like to support you, I have a major hard on for Ron. So, until I get to sleep with him, I'm afraid I can no longer be your friend."

"That's fine – I don't need you two anyway! Not when I have Lucy-poo! Now come on Lucy – let's go have wild monkey sex!"

"You got it sweet cheeks!"

They rushed out of the great hall, trying to make it to the nearest bedroom before I could think up another reason to stop them. They didn't find one because I'm an evil bitch.

The End

"WHAT THE FUCK!?! You can't end it before I've had the chance to have sex!" Harry screamed.

"Yeah." Lucius agreed firmly.

"Oh come on, don't start that shit again!"

I can too! And I have to! Otherwise no one will know who is saying what and this story will just turn into one large mass of confusion that no one will want to read!

"It already is a mass of confusion that no one will EVER want to read!"

That's does it! Just for that, the next story I write is going to be you in a three way relationship with Dudley and Marcus Flint!

*Harry whimpers pathetically.*

THE END!

**A/N: *Gives all of my readers cookies and watches while they eat them.* HA! These have a special charm on them – if you don't review – you turn into a toad! An ugly orange toad with puke-green spots! There is no cure!**

**Anyway, thank you for making it all the way to the end of the story. You rock!**


	2. Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom

**A/N: So I don't usually write stories where Harry isn't the main character but Daichitenski begged me. So, this is dedicated to her. I even threw in her favorite song. **

**Sequel to PCP Plot Bunnies, though I'm sure you all figured that out when I posted it as a second chapter. I don't think it's as funny as the first, but, it has its moments. **

**Disclaimer: Don't own.**

**Warnings: Slash, language.**

**Beta: FirstLaugh-LastTears because I'm a corrupting enabler. **

"Don't touch me there Draco, that's my naughty place."

Draco, ignoring the tableau, brouhaha, and/or kerfuffle going on behind him caused by his father and one Harry Potter, took the boy's hand instead. He was in no hurry; he'd get into the boy's pants eventually. He brought the soft, pale hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to it.

Neville went red, an even brighter and deeper shade of red than the pen the author is using to write this with. Yes that's right I'm writing this by hand. Not that you'd be able to tell since you only see it in typed form, but just so you're aware of the extra effort that went into this. Not that you care you ungrateful bastards....

…I'm just kidding you know I love you.

Anyway, Neville was so embarrassed that he literally began to shrink, and shrink…and shrink some more. With a small pop a little brown bunny was standing in his place.

"Muahahahahaaaa!" Draco laughed in a triumphantly maniacal way as he scooped the bunny into his arms and dashed out of the Great Hall, making his way to the Slytherin dormitories. Everyone was too busy watching Merlin vanish to notice the kid, erm, bunny napping. And who could blame them? Merlin is pretty freaking awesome. When he reached the portrait of Salazar Slytherin himself, who glared disapprovingly at the fuzzy creature Draco held in his arms, he mumbled the password and slipped inside.

Blaize Zabini looked up from his homework as Draco came in. His look of welcome changing to one of confusion when he spotted the rabbit.

"Hey Blaise."

"Hey Draco. Um, I don't mean to pry, but, what are you planning to do with that rabbit?"

"Seduce it."

Blaise blinked. "Uh, oh! I see. Well, have fun with that. I'll just be, um, not here." With that he quickly gathered up his books and things and fled the room.

_In the office of Professor Snape…_

Blaise ran inside, huffing and puffing, completely winded from his mad dash.

"Mr. Zabini, no running in the halls." The usually sour tone was tinged with weariness.

"Yes Professor Snape."

Snape raised an inquisitive brow. "Was that all?"

"No!" Blaise frowned, collecting his thoughts. "I came here to tell you – Malfoy's flipped his lid!"

"Yes I was there when he shoved his tongue down Potter's throat."

"Draco was making out with Potter?"

"No! Lucius was."

"Oh. In that case, Professor Snape, I came to tell you that the other Malfoy has flipped his lid and saying 'the golden harp the giant has,' ten times fast is an unendingly enjoyable activity that I feel no one should miss out on."

"Draco? What has he done?" Snape asked, ignoring the bits that didn't make sense, as was his habit.

"How do you know I'm not talking about Narcissa?"

"Let's start with she's no longer a Malfoy since Lucius divorced her and end with: why the hell would she just randomly be at Hogwarts?"

"Hey! I can be wherever the hell I want to be!" Narcissa said before vanishing again.

Snape ignored this, since it didn't make sense. Blaise blinked, he'd thought he just heard an obnoxious high-pitched screeching noise, but that was impossible. Must be just another auditory hallucination. "Well why would Lucius be at Hogwarts?"

"To make out with Potter! Weren't you paying attention?"

"Whatever, point is: Draco is trying to put the moves on a bunny. A small furry creature with long pointed ears and a puffy tail."

Severus sighed, "Not again…" He stood. "Come on then take me to him."

Blaise turned to exit the room.

"Oh and Blaise?"

He turned back to face the Professor. "Yes?"

"I KNOW WHAT A FUCKING BUNNY IS!"

_Back in the Slytherin Dorms (otherwise known as Draco's Den of Iniquity)…_

"Now that we're alone do you feel comfortable enough to turn back?"

A few moments passed and then Neville slowly changed back to his soft but furless self. Draco suddenly very much regretted the fact that animagi transformations allowed you to keep your clothes on. Neville stared at his shoes, a seemingly permanent blush staining his cheeks.

"Draco, why did you try to touch my no-no bits?"

"When I crashed into you and looked into your eyes I realized how much I love you and when you're in love with someone you want to touch them and suck them and fuck them and other strenuous but very enjoyable activities carried out in the bedroom or not the bedroom."

"Oh." Neville muttered something intelligible under his breath and asked softly, "So you love me?"

"Yes." Draco, too focused on trying to see the outline of Neville's penis through his pants, didn't notice his hair turn blue, indicating that the truth spell Neville used worked and he'd told the truth. Lying would have given him hemorrhoids. Can you imagine? Draco Malfoy with hemorrhoids? *Author giggles*

"But why? I'm not exactly in shape…" Neville grumbled sadly indicating his body.

"Nev," said boy blushed even harder at the nickname. "The truth is…" Draco gulped. "I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers," he pointed to Snape and Blaise who'd just entered the room. Though both were now desperately wishing they had not done so. "-Can't deny that when a boy walks in with an itty bitty waist," he grabbed Neville's hips. "And a round thing," squeeze, squeeze. "In your face you get sprung! Neville," Draco rubbed his erection against the shorter boy. "My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun!" He smacked Neville on the ass then moved away slightly. "So? Are you with me: yay or nay?"

Neville hesitated, making Draco droop a little bit. "Um, which one means yes?"

Draco sighed, a tiny grin on his face. His love was just so endearingly cute! He wanted to pinch his chubby little cheeks, yes he did. As his thoughts mushed into baby talk like jumbles he murmured, "Yay."

"Yay!" Neville cheered. He hopped (literally) into Draco's arms and was promptly whisked away to the nearest empty bedroom.

Snape and Blaise (having been completely forgotten) exchanged amused grimaces.

They left the dorm at a slow walk. "I'm a little irritated at you for needlessly interrupting my work." They went back to Snape's office, the professor locking and warding the door as he closed it behind him.

Blaise sank to his knees in front of Snape, parting his robes. "Will this do?"

"For now."

***

"Um, Draco?"

"Yes love?"

"Will I ever get to top?"

"There's no way in hell."

"Awww…." *pouty face*

"Well, maybe for your birthday…"

"Squee!"

The End (Seriously this time I'm not adding more!)

**A/N: Hope you liked it girl. **


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